DPJWRITES

2009-05-29T10:12:00.001-07:00

2009-05-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

2009-05-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

2009-05-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Tyra Show - 5-27-09

2009-05-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

My Fifteen Minutes of Fame!

2009-05-29T05:25:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm back! After several months of hectic working, chauffering kids around, reading and (very little) writing, I've actually found a few minutes to add something to this pathetic little blog that I update only occasionally.

Today, I'd like to write about an experience that I had actually several months ago which was rather unexpected.

I was asked to appear on the Tyra Banks Show as a guest. I was told the topic had to do with "Single Women vs. Married Women", an interesting moniker considering I didn't know single women and married women "had beef". Anyway, my profile was found by Tyra's producers on this reality tv website and they called and asked me to be a guest on the show to discuss my opinion on why it's "better to be married". Crazy topic, you say? Exactly! The first thing I wondered is how are they going to get people interested in this lame topic? I, personally, have no beef with single women, so what could I possibly say that would be even remotely interesting?

Well, I spoke with the producer for about a half hour and gave her my little back story on how I met my husband, decided to get married, when the kids came, sacrifices that I've made as a mother and wife for my family's sake, yada yada yada. She also asked me about my friends (single and married) and what I thought about their decisions not to have children or get married, etc. I told her about one friend that had decided she did not want to have children at all and that I had agreed she probably wouldn't make the best mom because she was rather selfish. As any mother knows, the one thing you can't be (if you're gonna be good at this "mommy" thing, that is) is selfish. I mentioned that some folks that are used to themselves being the focus of their life, may have a hard time understanding that it's no longer about you anymore once there are kids in the picture.

Well, fast-forward to taping day. I met the other married women who would be on the panel with me. One was a young mom with a baby who was in marketing and pursuing her Master's degree. Another girl was a young mom with a young baby, except she wasn't even married to her "baby's daddy". She told us she was a friend of one of the producers. Her friend had called and asked her to help round out the panel because they were one person short. It was funny to me how she was the main one of us on the panel who had the most controversial comments to make. She said she was "the epitome of the 50's housewife" who caters to her man, gets up at 5am to make his breakfast (all made up before he sees her) and iron his clothes before he goes off to work. She was so full of crap and was quite a good actress but it seemed to me that she was a bit class-less in her delivery. I saw through it and wondered if anyone else would. The other woman on the panel was just crazy. She was not married, about 35 years old and was desperate to find a man so she COULD get married and have kids. She had had Botox and other things done in order to make herself more attractive to the opposite sex. I would have suggested therapy, I think that would have been money better spent. Anyway, these are the people that I'm paired with and I'm thinking "this is gonna be a disaster".

So we get all primped and pretty and before we get ready to go on set, the producers come in and give us little cards with some of our statements and comments that we made in our "telephone interview" to refresh our memories. My card says that I "had been alone most of my life before I met my husband", "believe that single women who aren't married with kids, can't get a man" and "sometimes wish I hadn't gotten married so soon".

When I read these statements, I immediately grabbed the attention of the producer and told her that she must have confused my card with someone else's because these statements aren't things that I would ever say and most were just incorrect. I wasn't alone "most of my life" when I met my husband because I met him when I was 22 years old so that was impossible. I don't believe that single women who aren't married with kids "can't get a man" - actually, the friends that I have that are single are good women who would love to have a man and kids, there's just a shortage of good men out there (most of them are already married or gay, everyone knows that!). The part about me "wishing I hadn't gotten married so soon" is actually sort of correct. I always say I met my husband too soon before I had a chance to finish school and get a few years of my career under my belt before the kids started coming, so that was fine. In answer to my concern, the producer assured me that they would have time to fix the errors before the show started and I was fine with that explanation.

So, off we go to the studio to begin taping. Almost immediately, we recognized a group of women who must have been the "single ladies". They were giving us all dirty looks. At that point, I was really happy this wasn't the Jerry Springer Show. If it was, we probably would've gotten jumped once we entered the stage! These women looked really hostile and were not friendly at all. This was the point at which I really felt like I just didn't belong there.

The show began with Tyra asking the single and married ladies questions about their opinions on being single or married. The single women immediately seemed rather hostile to me and I wondered if the producers had baited them with comments supposedly made by the married women. Then, Tyra said to me, "So, Deborah, I'm told that you feel single women are single because they can't get or keep a man?" She asked the question with a stern look on her face and immediately I felt the camera zoom in for a close-up of my reaction. Now, I felt like she was challenging me, since I know she's single (and let's face it, her "singledom" is the reason for this show! It's important to note that at the time, I had no idea that the media was questioning Tyra's choice to remain single and may even have been questioning her sexuality too. I heard about that months later, when the show actually aired).)

So at the time, I don't recall how I responded or what, exactly, I said. I just remember feeling absolutely livid and wondering what would happen if I argued with Tyra about her lack of correct information, or if I just walked off the stage. I think also I felt like she was challenging me to say this thing to her that I knew would probably offend her. Then I remembered the producers telling us to "not be afraid to mix it up" and I thought "whatever I say they will just edit out anyway so, oh well." So, I opted to agree with Tyra. I think I said something like "Yeah, Tyra, apparently they don't know what they're doing", or something to that effect. She then asked if I said they were "selfish". And I agreed. I did explain that oftentimes when people have been focused on themselves for so long, oftentimes they're unable or unwilling to give a husband or a child the attention that they deserve. What I didn't explain was that when I made that statement, I was referring to a friend of mine (actually a former friend. Interesting that we're no longer friends because, partially, she couldn't understand my preoccupation with being a good mom, but that's another, rather long story).

So, now I'm mortified because Tyra's glaring at me and waiting to hear if I actually called her selfish and said that she obviously couldn't get and keep a man. Let's face it, this show was her opportunity to enlighten people that she is close to, family, friends, whatever, who have questioned why she is not married and preparing for kids. Its purpose was to make the married women look like their lives are so much more boring and unfulfilling than a single woman who is fortunate enough not to be tied down so they can go forth and set the world on fire.

I had an opportunity to redeem myself (assuming that was even necessary) farther along in the show when I mentioned that I was like the single women, at one time, and had the ultra-professional, demanding job. But I was forced to prioritize things in my life and chose my home and family, so that job had to go.

Everyone who saw the show (it aired on Wednesday, May 27, 2009) said that I presented myself well and had nothing to be ashamed of. I am still very disappointed in reality TV and believe that it's often contrived and manipulated into something that maybe people will want to see, at any cost. Will I do it again? Probably not. Was I happy with the outcome? Ehh. It is what it is.

I will say, however, that the makeup artists were phenomenal and had me looking great for the show - so that was nice. But I was disappointed that Tyra never introduced herself to the married women and never acknowledged us at all, unless the cameras were on. I found her to be very cold and a bit snooty. Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect the single girls may have enjoyed a visit from her because they actually did interact in between commercial breaks. Maybe her feeling about the whole "issue" caused her to treat the married women differently, and she just couldn't help herself and remain professional. I don't know. I was also disappointed that the show felt it necessary to "pit" us against each other. I have never felt at odds with women who chose to remain single. If anything, I've felt sorry for them because I wonder if they will have regrets later in life for the choices they made. But I've never felt combative towards them to the extent that they seemed to have felt some hostility towards us. But who knows, that may all have been contrived by the producers in order to get some sparks flying for an issue that was really lame anyway.

I had asked for an autographed photo for my daughter and maybe a picture with Tyra but was denied both. I could live without a photo with Tyra but she's lost a fan in my daughter who adored her. It was an experience that I'm happy is over. Now, I'm positive that "reality TV" is not reality after all. It's all about ratings and drama - and if there is no drama, then it will be created, at any cost.

Kids!

2009-03-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hi, All!

It seems like FOREVER since I've written but I've been super-busy for quite some time!

I joined a creative writing group and have been contributing regularly to that for about 3 months now. I also started a book club with a few of my closest friends. Our first meeting is tomorrow and I'm hoping the rainy forecast doesn't keep them all away!

I'm also helping my 9-year-old daughter start a book club of her own (to keep her busy while I'm meeting with MY book club!). Glamour Girls Book Club sounds like it will be lots of fun for her!

Next are some pix of me, Ron, the kids and Mommy!

WHAT SCARES EVERYDAY BLACK PEOPLE ABOUT BARACK OBAMA

2009-02-04T08:35:00.001-08:00

It's about two weeks after the inauguration of this nation's first Black president and I am struck by the feelings that I am having. Pride, yes. Hope, double yes. Excited expectation, for sure. But there are other feelings that I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge. These feelings are somewhat embarrassing for me to admit. How can I worry about the ramifications of the election of this nation's first African-American president? The enormity of this feat is unparalleled in itself considering less than half a century ago, African-Americans were not even trusted with the privilege of voting. We were second-class citizens in every sense of the word. Many whites are even amazed that the country as a whole has come far enough to put aside those racist views long enough to see past color and actually elect the best man for the job. So what kind of pessimistic, "glass half-empty", self-absorbed person over-analyzes such a historic event? Why not just revel in the historic proportions of the moment? Because I worry that Barack is setting a precedent that many African-Americans cannot live up to unless some drastic changes are made in this country's education system.

Truth be told, Barack Obama is an extraordinary person, race notwithstanding. The man has lived an amazing life. He's managed to do in just 47 short years what most White men have not been able to do in 60 years. As the child of an African father and a white mother from the Bible belt, life for him can't have been easy. Growing up in Indonesia and Hawaii and spending much of his childhood in the largely white state of Kansas with his white grandparents, I'm sure gave Barack a unique self-image. He admits to spending much of his life feeling like a fish out of water. Never truly accepted in any environment. Most would have given in to self-destructive feelings and behaviors or would have had a difficult time maintaining any sort of healthy self-image. But somehow he was able to see past his circumstances and turn those experiences into something positive. Why then does the phenomena that is Barack Obama scare the average African-American? Because we fear that so many cannot possibly live up to the expectation that this man has set. We worry that his success has set the bar so high that most of us could not possibly reach it, let alone surpass all that he has done. Not unless some drastic changes are made. No longer can we fall back on the tired, age-old excuse about "the Man" keeping us down. Because it's official now. We actually can accomplish anything that we set our minds to, regardless of the existence of racism. So what makes Barack different from your average, everyday African-American who is afraid of what his election means? In a word, education. His father was not around and he spent most of his life either with his white mother or his maternal grandparents. And although they came from meager means, they always exposed Barack to the best education they could find for him. He had the benefit of understanding from an early age that education was paramount. Regardless of anyone's circumstances, black or white, education is that one constant that has the power to change anyone's destiny.

I was raised in a household where my mother was abused on a regular basis by my father. We lived in some of the worst areas of Philadelphia and in so many different houses that I lost count after probably the fifth or sixth move. My father, a house painter and former Marine with an 8th grade education, never kept a job for very long. Later we discovered that he suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, which probably explained his belief that everyone was out to get him. During my entire childhood, which my mother spent as a depressed and battered wife, she always made sure to stress to all of us the importance of an education. We moved at least 10 different times while I was growing up. But each time my mother had us bused up to "the white neighborhoods" for school. We would get on a bus at 6:15 am and ride from the projects of Philadelphia, past the crackhouses and bars, up to the Northeast where a quality public education awaited. I graduated from high school with an A average and eventually went on to graduate from college with a Bachelor's degree in Management after I was married and had children. Because I had the benefit of a mother who herself graduated from high school and understood the importance of an education, I was armed with the means to do better in life than my parents. My childhood was not ideal, but I would never trade those experiences. They helped to shape who I became. If not for the quality education my mother made sure we got, my siblings and I could have become just as hopeless as our surroundings.

It is society's responsibility to ensure that everyone, especially those in the most difficult and hopeless situations, understands that the only way out is through education. That is what Barack's story teaches. From the battered woman in the projects with four children and an abusive husband, to the young girl with the crackhead parents and no one who cares enough to check her homework at night, to the white kid in a trailer home on cinderblocks with no hope for the future. It has to be a priority to expose every child to the value and transcendental nature of an education. It is now Barack Obama's responsibility to make sure that everyone has a fair shot at receiving a quality education. He has the responsibility to make sure that ALL schools are equipped with the means to reach those children who do not have the benefit of an intelligent, socially responsible family structure that values education. He has the responsibility to improve the educational system so that would-be students actually do have a snowball's chance in hell of receiving a quality college education so that they can improve their lot in life.

It is important to note that although the playing field has not been level for each of us, this does not diminish our pride in his accomplishments. But we must recognize the fact that everyone will not share the same experiences, nor are we all exposed to the same positive influences. Requiring a quality education for all young people must be a priority if our nation will ever produce more Barack Obama's. When those of us most at-risk succeed, we all succeed. Barack is proof of that.

2009-02-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

Girls!

2008-12-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

Girls! What can I say about them? Well, they're usually very emotional, opinionated and attitudinal (is that even a word?).

My daughter, Taylor, is at a stage for girls that tends to be kind of awkward, but interesting. She's lost a front tooth so that space in the front takes some getting used to. But she's also quite beautiful and outspoken and friendly. Taylor is the kind of kid who, even as a baby, managed to give you this look that told you she thought you were a complete and utter idiot. While it was cute and maybe a bit disconcerting as a baby, at the age of nine, not so cute anymore. She's never been able to disguise her feelings very well. One look at her expression, and it's obvious what she's thinking. She's very honest that way.

After years of being brutally shy (my own mother didn't hear her voice until she was about 2 1/2!), she announced the other day that she thinks she may be popular at her school. All of her friends routinely argue with her about who her "best friend" is. She's never at a shortage of lunch buddies in the cafeteria. And she's always at the top of the guest list whenever anyone's planning a sleep-over or birthday party.

I think it's great for her to feel liked and accepted. For years I worried that she would be like her mother, with a small core group of friends, never making an effort to go outside that group. I was so incredibly quiet and shy that most of the people I went to school with didn't know I was a student there. For some time I thought she would be cursed with the shyness that stifled my own self-confidence. At the beginning of every school year, she wondered how she would make friends, what is she going to do if she isn't able to make any friends. That went on for about two years. Now that she's in the 3rd grade and much more confident than she used to be, it seems that those worries have drifted away. She's now the confident, outspoken kid that never gets nervous when she has to speak in front of her classmates. And she's so funny! She has the mannerisms of a much older person, kinda reminds me of Raven Symone the actress (I think that's her name). She's very animated and expressive, it's hysterical to watch her expressions sometimes. She's also got a beautiful voice and I think there may be some acting ability there too. It's my goal to cultivate that in her and I think she may enjoy it now that her confidence has grown so much.

Girls!

Conversations with My Son

2008-11-26T08:12:00.001-08:00

I love my son, Ronald, so much. He's such a great kid. He's 13 years old and at a seriously goofy stage in his life. My husband and I have raised both our kids to be outspoken and well-spoken. Sometimes I wonder if that's been a blessing or curse, when he's mouthing off or giving me his opinion on something.

Last night, he had a check-up at the doctor. I'm told 13 is a milestone for kids going through puberty. The only thing I remember happening when I was 13 was probably a bit of a boob growing. I was almost 14 when I got my first period, seriously behind according to some of my friends who had theirs at like 11 and 12. But according to the doctor Ronnie is on track with other 13-year-olds.

While we were waiting for the doctor to come into the examining room, we talked like we usually do. He's such a great kid - funny and kind and so smart. He had to fill out a questionnaire since he was 13, full of questions about his body changing and drugs and alcohol and sex. It gave me a chance to make sure I know what's going on in his life. I had heard that drugs and sex were rampant at his junior high school but I would be surprised if he or any of his friends, whom my husband and I know well, were involved in any such activities. I asked him about that and he said that mostly the "skateboard kids" were involved in smoking and drugs and maybe a little sex. But, thankfully, none of his friends were. He's a huge basketball fanatic and it's well-documented that kids involved heavily in sports or drama tend to stay away from such activities. (Thank God!)

We talked about his body changing and zits and such. I reminded him that "deodorant is your friend" for what seems like the umpteenth time. He says he's not used to certain smells showing up if he forgets a step in his morning hygine routine. I'm still trying to convince him to use soap on his face. I think I may have made some headway on the deodorant issue, though.

Today

2008-11-11T12:33:00.001-08:00

Wow. What a day I've had!

I spent most of the day, off and on, putting the finishing touches on a query letter for Redbook Magazine. I'm pitching an essay to them about marriage: how to stay married, what makes a marriage work, what needs to be present in order to keep your marriage on the right track. Not that I'm such an expert on the subject but the other day I was talking to my kids and they told me that they're the only kids they know with both their parents still together. Everyone's divorced. Or separated. Or dead. That's scary.

New Projects

2008-11-06T06:55:00.001-08:00

Well, while I've been away dealing with house issues, I haven't managed to find the time to focus on my writing. One project at a time, guys. I've got way too much going on!

Recently, I've decided to participate in providing writing for a domestic violence documentary and website called Dream for the Stars, whose focus is to raise awareness about domestic violence. This is something I'm really excited about because my mother is a domestic violence survivor and I think it's important for those who "make it through" to reach back and help someone else.

I've also embarked on another new project that is also something that I'm really excited about. This new project is something that I've considered for, dare I say, years! My husband's cousin, Vernell Jones, is serving 17-35 years in prison for murder and attempted murder in a case that was pretty widely-known in the Philadelphia area back in 2001. Vernell was known as the "Black Widow" because she was forced to make a list of everyone with whom she had sexual contact. By the grace of God, she was unable to get to everyone on that list and was eventually sentenced to 17-35 years in prison for her role in one murder and one attempted murder. Currently, she is incarcerated at Cambridge Springs SCI in Cambridge Springs, PA. I'm looking very forward to hearing her full story and recounting it and pray that I am able to convey the depth of her experiences. Vernell's story is also one that has its roots in domestic violence, and I think because things did not end well, it's necessary for people to understand the importance of making the right choices when faced with this type of problem.

So, I've been a busy little bee! Now, besides writing to Vernell consistently and planning a visit to see her sometime soon, I'm just trying to write a little each day just to get back in the swing of things. I'm excited about getting my creative juices flowing again and praise God for making sure my needs are met as I embark on this journey.

I'm back!!!

2008-11-06T06:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back. After at least 6 months away when I've been focused on trying to get my house sold, I'm officially at the end of my rope.

We've done everything from trying to sell the house ourselves to using an agent who's gotten us less showings than we got when were doing it on our own. We've had at least 50 or 60 showings in the last 7 months. We've had some interest, though not enough for someone to actually put in an offer. And if that wasn't discouraging enough, after the news broke about how bad the "credit crunch" is, the phone just stopped ringing. So, we've pretty much given up on selling this house this year. Now that we have a new President (woo-hoo!!!), the best we can hope for is a better housing market in Spring '09.

MORE PIX OF OUR HOME FOR SALE!!

2008-04-04T09:28:00.001-07:00

We welcome all buyers and buyers' agents. While we can't afford to list the house with a realtor, we do not hav a problem working with a buyers' agent. Please bring all offers!! Call 215-385-1544 to arrange a private showing or for more information.

SELLING OUR HOME

2008-04-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

LARGE 3 BR/1.5 BATH SPLIT LEVEL
HAS BONUS ROOM, PATIO, TONS OF LIVING & STORAGE SPACE!!!
2837 Miriam Avenue, Abington, PA 19001

This home has many interior and exterior upgrades. The first level features an open floor plan leading to a nice kitchen. The upper level has 3 bedrooms, a full bathroom and two good-sized bedrooms. The lower level has a family room leading to a huge BONUS 4th bedroom and a half bath. Basement level is completely finished and has more living space AND a walk-in closet and separate laundry area. Fenced in backyard has nice concrete patio with Sunsetter overlooking a huge backyard. Attic that runs the length of the house offers more storage space. Don't miss this MOVE-IN READY home in a safe, family-friendly area just 15 minutes from Philadelphia!
Call 215-385-1544 for more info or a private a showing!!

ACTIVE CHILDREN - HOW TO RAISE A WELL-ROUNDED CHILD

2007-04-05T13:33:00.001-07:00

ACTIVE CHILDREN – HOW TO RAISE A WELL-ROUNDED CHILD

I am a very active parent. I’m one of those parents who know the names and contact numbers of each of my children’s teachers within a month after the school year begins. I also lead a very active lifestyle. In addition to holding down a full-time job as a paralegal by day, I also do freelance writing part-time. In addition to that, I also sell insurance part-time. As if that’s not enough, I’m the guardian of record for all healthcare and financial decisions that need to be made for my father, who suffers from dementia and will be moving into a nursing home in a few days. I’m a busy lady.

Obviously, my husband and I also believe in active children. My husband is nowhere near as active as I am. He can’t handle the pace. As a child, I was not fortunate enough to have parents who could afford to have my siblings and me in all different types of activities. I would have loved to be in dance class, writing class, drama class. In addition to being strapped financially, for the most part my parents just didn’t see the value in extra-curricular activities.

Evidently, given the type of parent that I am, I feel differently. Lucky for my children (or unlucky for them, depends on who you ask), I usually to have them enrolled in all types of activities. My son has a passion for basketball so obviously I do all that I can to keep him active in that sport. Currently, he’s enrolled in two leagues. He also plays several musical instruments – the bass drum, piano and cello, so far. In addition to that, I make sure that he gets extra help in reading comprehension, since that’s his weak spot.

My daughter, who claims to be shy, is really a performer at heart. She is a bundle of energy, has a beautiful singing voice and is quite a dancer. Needless to say, she’s had several dance classes in addition to gymnastics. Our focus this summer will be performing arts training and writing. Since she’s only seven, we’re trying any- and everything!

Studies show that children who are involved in enrichment activities (especially music) have higher IQs. These activities and more introduce children to feelings of competence and performance, and also give them a more positive and healthy self-esteem. Children who do not see themselves as competent in social, academic or other areas often have feelings of depression and low self-esteem and often don’t do as well in school. They will often develop a defeatist attitude about learning new things and often dread starting a new school year. It’s really important to instill positive feelings in children about learning and starting new things. You want them to approach a new activity with excitement and eagerness.

While I often wonder if my children are as exhausted as their Dad and I are with our hectic lives, I am conscious of their feelings about the activities. If there is any apprehension about a certain activity, or if they just don’t enjoy the activity (whether it’s because dance class is not fun, or football practice is too strenuous), I will allow them to make the decision to drop out. I want them to enjoy the activity as much as I enjoy watching them.

We always make sure to schedule plenty of down-time as well. In our family, every Friday night is family night. Every week we may plan to go to a movie together and out to dinner. Or sometimes we just lay around the house in our pajamas, watch Ghost Whisperer and order pizza and hot wings. Whatever it is, Friday night is always family night and we spend it together doing whatever we feel like doing. Everybody deserves a break sometime!

SAFETY AND OUR CHILDREN

2007-04-04T10:36:00.002-07:00

SAFETY AND OUR CHILDREN

Have you ever said goodbye to your child and said a silent prayer asking God to look out for them? Not so much because of the irresponsibility of children, but more so because of the dangers that we know are “out there”? How many of us worry incessantly about our children when they are not in our care?

I remember the first time my son Ronnie’s daycare had a trip (to an amusement park, no less) and I seriously considered not letting him go. I was certain that no one could watch over him as well as I could, so my way of dealing with the uncertainty was just to not let him go. I had always thought of amusement parks as a pedophile’s playground. The stories you hear about perverts who hang out in the bathrooms and do God knows what to unsuspecting children are enough to deter you from ever going.My son was 4 years old when his preschool sent home the permission slip for Great Adventure. His dad and I decided to let him go and we thought that we would just talk to him about staying in a group and having a buddy, the usual things that parents tell their kids, that we truly hope they listen to. Because Ronnie’s class was made up of mostly little girls, I told him that he if he had to use the bathroom he should go to the little girls’ room if there weren’t anymore little boys for him to buddy up with.

Well, Ronnie told me he was NOT going to go to any little girls’ room because he was not a girl! I explained to him that sometimes bad people hang out in the little boys and girls rooms and wait for little kids that are alone so they can hurt them or take them away. But if you have a buddy with you at all times, the bad people can’t hurt you or take you away from Mommy and Daddy. Well, Ronnie proceeded to demonstrate to me how he was going to protect himself from the bad people – demonstrating a bunch of karate moves that he had learned from his karate class. The more I tried to explain to him that he was no match for the big, bad people, the more he tried to convince me that he could take care of himself.

By this time, I was convinced that he just could not go on this class trip. I was so afraid that he would not see the importance of a buddy and then he would walk away from the group and I’d never see my little boy again!

I phoned his teacher and explained the situation to her. Luckily, his teacher was a good friend of mine and she laughed when I told her Ronnie’s ideas of defending himself against the bad people in the bathroom. She made sure to have a serious talk with the entire class about stranger danger and the importance of always staying with your buddy. They also did role plays about what to do if someone approaches them and they are uncomfortable or afraid. While my conversation with Ronnie freaked me out like no other conversation I’ve ever had with a child before or since, I’m actually glad we discussed it. I probably never would have known that he had such childish notions (what a surprise – he is a child, after all!) about how to stay safe.

It’s important for parents and teachers to always instill in their children the importance of safety. It’s nerve-wracking for parents to have to leave their children in the care of someone else. But if you talk to them regularly about safety, and pray a lot, you’ll both get through it!

SAFETY AND OUR CHILDREN

2007-04-04T10:36:00.001-07:00

SAFETY AND OUR CHILDRENHave you ever said goodbye to your child and said a silent prayer asking God to look out for them? Not so much because of the irresponsibility of children, but more so because of the dangers that we know are “out there”? How many of us worry incessantly about our children when they are not in our care? I remember the first time my son Ronnie’s daycare had a trip to take him on (to an amusement park, no less) and I seriously considered not letting him go. I was certain that no one could watch over him as well as I could, so my way of dealing with the uncertainty was just to not let him go. I had always thought of amusement parks as a pedophile’s playground. The stories you hear about perverts who hang out in the bathrooms and do God knows what to unsuspecting children are enough to deter you from ever going.My son was 4 years old when his preschool sent home the permission slip for Great Adventure. His dad and I decided to let him go and we thought that we would just talk to him about staying in a group and having a buddy, the usual things that parents tell their kids, that we truly hope they listen to. Because Ronnie’s class was made up of mostly little girls, I told him that he if he had to use the bathroom he should go to the little girls’ room if there weren’t anymore little boys for him to buddy up with. Well, Ronnie told me he was NOT going to go to any little girls’ room because he was not a girl! I explained to him that sometimes bad people hang out in the little boys and girls rooms and wait for little kids that are alone so they can hurt them or take them away. But if you have a buddy with you at all times, the bad people can’t hurt you or take you away from Mommy and Daddy. Well, Ronnie proceeded to demonstrate to me how he was going to protect himself from the bad people – demonstrating a bunch of karate moves that he had learned from his karate class. The more I tried to explain to him that he was no match for the big, bad people, the more he tried to convince me that he could take care of himself. By this time, I was convinced that he just could not go on this class trip. I was so afraid that he would not see the importance of a buddy and then he would walk away from the group and I’d never see my little boy again!I phoned his teacher and explained the situation to her. Luckily, his teacher was a good friend of mine and she laughed when I told her Ronnie’s ideas of defending himself against the bad people in the bathroom. She made sure to have a serious talk with the entire class about stranger danger and the importance of always staying with your buddy. They also did role plays about what to do if someone approaches them and they are uncomfortable or afraid. While my conversation with Ronnie freaked me out like no other conversation I’ve ever had with a child before or since, I’m actually glad we discussed it. I probably never would have known that he had such childish notions (what a surprise – he is a child, after all!) about how to stay safe. It’s important for parents and teachers to always instill in their children the importance of safety. It’s nerve-wracking for parents to have to leave their children in the care of someone else. But if you talk to them regularly about safety, and pray a lot, you’ll both get through it!

Growin' Up With Grandma

2007-03-26T20:01:00.001-07:00

Growin' Up With Grandma
I was the daughter who always wanted to have Mom come live with her whenever Mom became too elderly to live alone. I am the daughter who takes care of Dad's financial and healthcare decisions, his guardian. There's usually one in every family. The one who takes care of everyone. Somehow, that responsibility fell to me.I always knew that I wanted to have my mother with me when she got older. Since I was a child, my idea of heaven was having a large mansion and my entire family living there together. Not close enough where we'd be sitting down to breakfast together every morning. Of course, everyone would have their own wing or suite, etc. I always thought it would be a great way to have my family close, without having them too close.Well, about two years ago, my mother moved in with me. Now, in order to appreciate the irony of this situation, you have to know my mother - and me.My mother is 63 years old. But remember, 63 is the new 53. So, Mom is not the typical white-haired, spectacle-wearing, cookie-baking grandmom that you would expect. No, my mom is a very vibrant, very young-looking, active and well-preserved 63-year-old. She still works full-time, as an Executive Assistant for a President and CEO of a social services agency, where she's been for about 20 years now. She has a very active social life, goes to church regularly where she sings on the choir and basically has more energy than I've ever had in all my 39 years on this earth. She's upbeat, pleasant, energetic and just generally happy to be alive! She goes to bed at 7:30 pm and rises at 4:30 am. She has her coffee, reads the paper and relaxes a bit before applying her makeup and getting dressed for work. She leaves at 6:45 am and is usually back home at about 6pm every evening. Mom has her way of doing things and as far as she's concerned, her way is usually the right way.I, however, stay up until about midnight every night, have done just about every job there is out there to do (except ditchdigger) and sleep as long as I possibly can before I have to get up and prepare for work and get the kids ready for school. I've been described as outspoken, witty, sarcastic, blunt, straightforward, along those lines. Quiet as it's kept, I have a soft spot for vulnerable children, a by-product of a rocky childhood. My mom and I are probably as different as two females can be. So, of course when my husband and I considered having her come live with us, I was a little concerned.My mom and dad raised my sisters and brother and I to be very respectful, obedient children. My father ruled the house with an iron fist. We were always discouraged from making too much noise, not an easy feat for three girls and a boy. When Mom or Daddy said something you just did it, no questions asked. I always remember feeling like I wished I could voice my opinion, but that was something that just was not done in our household. As a result, I have raised my children, Ronnie - 12 years old and Taylor - 7 years old, to be outspoken and I actually encourage them to voice their opinions, in a respectful manner of course.Obviously, this doesn't sit too well with Mom. When she first came to live with us, I'm sure the first thing she noticed was the noise level in the house. My daughter, Taylor, is probably the loudest child I've ever known and my son Ronnie often yells to make himself heard above the noise that is Taylor. The noise from the kids coupled with the noise of two barking dogs (Bootsie, our dog, and Benji, Mom's dog), make for quite a cacophonous household. My husband has always had the uncanny ability to block out all the noise, as long as no one's standing in front of the television.Why my mother chose to live with me and my family, I'll never know. In the beginning, she consistently tried to give me tips on parenting (do it her way because, of course, her way is always better). I remember the time Ronnie came from school and told us about a fight that he had gotten into with a neighborhood boy named Chris, who lives behind us. Now, this is a somewhat troubled kid with some behavior problems. The summer before, he had challenged about 15 of the neighborhood kids to a fight because of something trivial. The kids in our neighborhood almost never fight. The last one I can remember was probably about 5 years ago. And that lasted about 10 minutes before one of the parents broke it up. Well, when Ronnie came home telling us about a fight he had with Chris, my husband and I knew not to read very much into the situation. But my mother wanted to march down to the kid's house, knock on the door and confront his parents. She actually thought we were crazy for not contacting Chris' family about the fight. Turns out, the next day I got a telephone call from the principal telling us about the fight that occurred on the school bus, incidentally. The boy had apologized to Ronnie and was given detention for starting a fight on the school bus.I had suspected that the issue wasn't quite as serious as my mother had originally thought. I've seen situations that escalate into real problems, once the parents get involved. I usually try to allow the kids to work things out themselves. And they usually do. If they don't, that's when my husband and I will intervene and try to resolve the situation.It didn't surprise me that her way of handling the situation was to confront the offender. As a child, although I didn't get into much trouble at all, anytime that I had a problem (with another student or even a teacher), my mother was always there to back me up and fight for me and my brother and sisters.That's her way of handling things. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's right or wrong - just different.We're very different people, with obviously very different ways of approaching things. Yes, she's a permanent fixture in our family. And she has tons of little idiosyncracies that drive me crazy. Like placing all the leftover food on the countertop at mealtimes. My husband and I wonder if she's hinting that people eat the leftovers, so she leaves everything out as a sort of suggestion as to what's available. Drives me crazy to see a countertop cluttered with foil-wrapped containers. And Mom's combative (aggressive?) skills with the neighborhood kids often leaves a little to be desired. Not to mention her getting up at 4:30 am and bustling around until I get up at 6am. It's enough to drive me batty.But she's also thoughtful ( I haven't bought a roll of toilet paper or paper towels since she moved in two years ago), and loves spending time with (and money on) the kids. These years that Taylor and Ronnie have been lucky enough to share with her are priceless. I love that my daughter is really getting to know my mother - and it's amazing to see how much alike they both are. Taylor's up at the crack of dawn and has tons of energy, just like Mom!So, yeah, eating her greasy food could give my husband clogged arteries. (Needless to say, we're doing our best to teach Mom how to cook and eat healthier.) And I do often get tired of returning leftovers to the refrigerator two or three times a day. And Lord knows, in the beginning it was difficult having two strong-willed women in the same household. Especially since I was often the one who had to bite her tongue.But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Basketball Tryouts - Outcome :(

2007-03-19T12:17:00.001-07:00

Well, basketball tryouts for the Sonny Hill Developmental League are over. Ronnie did his best. But, unfortunately his best, this day, was just not good enough.

We got to the Mallery Recreation Center in the Germantown section of Philadelphia after the coach had rescheduled the tryouts. There were already about 25 kids there, most without parents and probably all neighborhood children. The tryouts were for 6th, 7th, and 8th grade kids. What was interesting to me was that about 1/4 of these kids had facial hair. My son is 12 years old, skinny, 5' tall, and about 90 lbs soaking wet. While his dad is only 5'9", and I am 5'6", my brother is 6'1" and my husband's two brothers are 6'5"l. For this kid's sake, I hope Ronnie's lucky enough to eventually take after his uncles, as far as height is concerned.

Of the kids there, the boys that he was playing were quite a bit bigger than Ronnie is. They definitely all had more meat on their bones and were just stronger and more aggressive players. Usually, he's the smallest player. I think that fact definitely affects his game. When he plays the neighborhood kids, who are all his friends and older than he is, he plays with confidence. The fact that he is smaller than most of the players that he knows does not appear to affect his game. The last league that he played in, he was also the smallest; I think what shook his confidence was that he was smaller than the other guys that he didn't know - and they were definitely much stronger. That definitely affected his game.

Ronnie's performance in these tryouts was nowhere near as good as he usually performs in the neighborhood, or even in our backyard, for that matter. His energy level wasn't the same and he just wasn't "all over the court" like he usually is. He just didn't have that hustle and energy that we're used to seeing. Being a little guy has its advantages: he's faster than most and he's really good at getting down low and stealing the ball when you least expect it. This day, he just didn't perform like that.

Afterwards when we got the bad news, I asked him why he just wasn't as energetic as he usually is on the court. He told us that both his knees were hurting him. He had complained about his left knee last summer and we took him to an orthopedist and had the knee X-rayed. The physician stated that the knee looked fine, no sign of abnormalities. He figured they were probably just growing pains and nothing to worry about. But Ronnie has complained about them since then, every now and then. I have noticed that he wears an Ace bandage on not one, but both of his knees. And he seems to complain about them more when the weather is cold. But then again, he wears wristbands and arm sleeves, too (he thinks they make his arms look bigger, isn't that cute?). Unfortunately, the day of the tryouts it was 27 °. The day before, our area was hit with an ice, sleet and snow storm. So after about 15 minutes into the game, he slowed down tremendously when his knees got stiff and a little painful. This definitely affected his game. He was so disappointed in himself.

But, all is not lost! There is another tryout later in the month for the Sonny Hill League and for two other leagues that we have heard about. We have an appointment to have his knees examined before then. This time, we'll ask to have them MRI'ed and hopefully we'll get a better diagnosis. By the summer, Ronnie should be all better and playing better than ever!

50 Things You Need to Know About Me

2007-03-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

In the writing class that is still going on, one of our assignments was to write 50 things one would need to know about me. For some reason, I had a really hard time on this one, probably because I don't think I'm that interesting a person. Not anymore anyway. I think my identity is getting swallowed up in motherhood and wife-dom (not too sure that's a word). Anyway, here it is.

1. I am convinced that I can do anything, as long as I really want to.
2. I prefer not to think too long on unpleasant things. Gives them power.
3. I admit that I am a control freak.
4. I didn't used to believe that parents play a large part in why people grow into screwed-up adults. I do now.
5. I don't believe that people HAVE to STAY screwed-up. At some point, you have to take responsibility for yourself.
6. I love my mother, my husband and my children so much sometimes it actually hurts.
7. I sometimes wish I didn't have a family that depended on me, so I could do the things that I truly want to do.
8. When my kids grow up and go away to college, and hopefully, no longer need me, I plan to sell my house and join the Peace Corps. I'm pretty sure my husband will want to go with me.
9. I resent progress and technology. While I do have a cell phone and a laptop and a PC, I resent going any further with technology. I don't want to learn anything else about computers or technology. I find that the older I get the more I yearn to go back to basics, back to the simpler things in life, caring about people and nurturing. The stuff that I wish I could do if I wasn't consumed with career things and working to pay bills.
10. My favorite kids' book is Charlotte's Web. I've always love Charlotte (since I was a kid) because she was really smart and knew a lot of words.
11. I think this year is going to be cathartic for me. I'm turning 40 and am at the point in my life that I really KNOW myself.
12. My favorite shows right now are mostly reality shows. I love getting into people's minds and watching people relate to each other and interact with each other.
13. My other guilty pleasure is historical dramas like the HBO series Rome. I love that the stories are loosely based on real history, and it's such compelling TV. It's like learning history on the sly.
14. My job sucks. I think instead of spending so much time training the employees, they need to spend that money on management training for our bosses. I've never seen such a large group of incompetents. I often wonder how they found each other and how they managed to go through life so long w/o getting any meaningful management training - i.e., how to motivate people, how to talk to people, the basics. It's sad that they should have to be taught this stuff, most management training is common sense anyway.
15. I hate that I am unhappy at my job. It bugs me that I am compelled to feel validated by what I do for a living.
16. I have never been bigger than a size 8. The last few months, I've had an inflamed Eustachian tube for which I've been taking steroids. I've put on a few pounds (about ten) because of them and feel fatter than ever.
17. The older I get, the more jaded I've become. Sad, I used to be an idealist.
18. I am lazy about exercise. I only get into it no longer than a week before I lose interest.
19. I love plain potato chips and cream cheese.
20. I am not a morning person. I prefer not to talk much ini the AM if I don't have to.
21. I enjoy my own company. It would take a lot for me to be lonely.
22. I often wish I had met my husband a few years later. I never had an opportunity to get my own apartment and live alone before we met and married. I went from living with my mom and sister and brother, to living with my husband.
23. I love to wear toe socks and clogs.
24. I would love to sell my house and live out in the country. To me, heaven is laying in a hammock on a sunny, summer day, sipping lemonade and drifting in and out of sleep, while trying to read a good book.
25. My father is the reason why I don't drink much. He was an alcoholic and I believe that's why his Alzheimer's progressed so quickly. I believe that alcoholism is hereditary so I purposely don't drink more than three or four times a year, and always with family, who will make you stop if you're drinking a little too much.
26. I love candles. My house is filled with them. Even with the kids, I have candles everywhere. They create ambience and such a beautiful, peaceful scent.
27. I only have one or two friends. I know a lot of people, but I'm mature enough to realize that they are just people I know, not people who give a crap about me.
28. I've always valued family more than friends. Friends come and go, family's always gonna be there.
29. I think that love is what happens when you're not looking.
30. I used to have a regular tarot card reader, a lady my mom turned me onto. She read the cards of my children when I was still carrying them and told me everything about them that I already knew.
31. I was a really good student in school. Okay, I was a nerd. I was the skinny, shy girl with the jacked-up family life who was super-smart and always made good grades.
32. I am tutoring my son in reading because his grades are a little shaky. He does "just enough" and that's infuriating to me. He's beeon on the honor roll since first grade and that's been rather effortless for him. Now, he has to work harder in the 6th grade, and he is pleased when he brings home a C. Drives me crazy.
33. I am a die-hard 76ers fan. I'm starting to get over the fact that Allen Iverson is no longer a Sixer, but Philly is embracing Andre Igoudala - he's our new AI.
34. When I had my son's tarot cards read (he was still "cooking" at about 6 months), one of the cards drawn was of the Velveteen Rabbit, which is supposed to mean the child will have luck in everything that he does. I always knew that about my son.
35. I think when people purposely raise children in a home without a father, it affects the child in adulthood. I think the presence of a father plays a very important role in the building of a child's self-esteem and emotional well-being.
36. I think my husband is a great father. He makes real manhood look easy, when in actuality it's not.
37. My favorite season is the summertime. I think something in the sun's rays (endorphins, or something) really do a lot for my mood. I probably belong in the Bahamas or some other island.
38. I absolutely hate the wintertime. I hate the heavy clothes, I hate the cold, I hate that it's always so dark so early.
39. I love the spirit of my daughter, Taylor. She's the biggest little 7-year-old I've ever seen. She thinks that she can do anything! I love that about her!
40. I love scary movies, they make me feel alive.
41. I love dogs. I've always loved dogs, since I was a little girl. They can be a little needy, but I love that they have such big personalities.
42. I actually like cats, too. I hate that they have that attitude where they can take you or leave you. Just keep their bowls full.
43. I love it when fat people feel good about themselves, regardless of what other people think about them. I love people with great self-esteem.
44. I miss my mother-in-law. My husband's mother died about 2 years ago. I was as close to her as I am to my own mother. She had a beautiful, warm spirit. I knwo she's happy, though. As long as there's a casino in heaven, she's happy.
45. My mother lives with me. While she sometimes drives me crazy, I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always wanted her to be with me when she's older. That way, I'd know she was okay. She's not really older yet, just 64 years old. She still works a full-time job and has a full life. She has a boyfriend and plenty of church activities. She's got more of a social life than I ever have. I love that she's in my house and my kids get to grow up knowing her like I did. I wanna be just like her when I'm 65.
46. I hate to cook. I can cook just enough to feed my family and the kids - but they know better than to look for anything fancy from my kitchen.
47. I like to write but have such a hard time finding time to write. I find that I also have to be in somewhat of a melancholy mood in order to reflect enough to write something of substance.
48. I am going to learn to roller skate this spring. It's one of my resolutions (as far as exercise goes) and something that I want to be able to do with my family. I tried once about 4 years ago and it didn't go very well. I spent more time on my butt than on the skates. But I promise to try again and learn by summertime.
49. I am probably going to end up becoming some kind of vegan in the next year or so. The older I get, the more conscious I am of what goes in my body and on my body. I got my colon cleansed about a month ago and think that I need to have that done about once every 6 months or so.
50. I am in the proces of trying to get a part-time writing job for a newspaper or maybe even a blog. It's going to be one in many things that I am going to do to change my life in my 40th year on this earth - 2007. Deb PJ

P.S. -

51. I think I may have Adult ADD. I find that the older I get, the less patience I have (or the less willing I am) for wasting my time. If something's not working, I am no longer interested and am compelled to move on. Sounds crazy, but I have learned to accept that this is me.

Basketball Season

2007-03-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

Well, today is try-outs for my son, Ronnie's, basketball league!

I'm so excited for him - he's finally turned 12 which is the youngest age you can play for the Sonny Hill Developmental Basketball League. This league is a benchmark as far as Philadelphia basketball leagues go. They're the best in the tri-state area.

The last league that Ronnie played for was not quite so pleasant for him. The coach had two of his sons and his nephews on the team, so needless to say, Ronnie had about 30 minutes of playing time the whole season. And, when he did play, he was so nervous and flustered that he was making all kinds of stupid mistakes (out of character for him, believe me), like running the ball the wrong way on the court and getting the ball stolen easily by the opposing team. My heart just went out for him each time he was lucky enough to get some playing time. And I'm not just being a mother when I say that the coach was terrible. Regardless of the fact that his family was on the team, a coach has an obligation to make sure that all the teammates are getting instruction and playing time. This coach never even held practice. Ronnie wants to be on his team again next summer to prove a point. Because he's a really good player, and he's a BEAST on the court! My son is rather skinny and he has to play really hard to get respect because of his size.

But, I would rather he focus his energies on Sonny Hill. This league is more interested in developing the entire player - academically and physically. They place a high importance on the players getting good grades. And while most of these kids have high aspirations as far as the NBA, the league drives home the same things that I have been telling Ronnie since he was a little guy. Basically, that there are thousands of little Black kids that aspire to the NBA. But there are only a select few that even make it close, which means that you MUST have a Plan B! Education is key to making certain you have options in life. In order to get to the NBA, you gotta get into college first. The only way to get to college is by making good grades all through your school years. Sonny Hill places a lot of importance on these factors. No neighborhood league is preaching that kind of knowledge to these kids. So, to Sonny Hill League he goes!!

Tonight is try-outs and practices will be on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. I'm so excited for him because basketball is this kid's passion. It makes me happy to know that he's getting closer to fulfilling his dream.

ADHD - TO DRUG OR NOT TO DRUG?

2007-03-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Do you have a high-energy child? Does your son or daughter have a hard time sitting still? Do you often get reports from school that your child is disruptive in class?If so, you probably wonder if your child has ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Children with ADHD often find it difficult to pay attention in class, and they have problems following instructions and completing tasks. You can usually spot them because they will be the “wiggle worms” fidgeting around in class, blurting out answers and interrupting their classmates. They tend to flit from one activity to another, much like someone changing a radio station.If you’re a parent to a child with this much boundless energy, you’re often exacerbated by their behavior. The things that you love most about your child are probably the same things that frustrate you the most. The energy and spirit of these children are their most endearing qualities, although they can be overwhelming at times.In the past, “spirited” children were considered a blessing and a challenge. Our grandparents would advise us to cut down on the sugar intake of these children and make sure they got plenty of rest, in order to reduce some of their hyperactivity.These days, most parents are turning to drugs like Ritalin and Adderall to get the same results. Unfortunately, these stimulants come with several undesirable side effects such as loss of appetite, insomnia, nausea, diarrhea, stomach pain and headaches. In some cases, nervous tics similar to Tourette’s Syndrome have been reported.I have a daughter who possesses that same boundless energy and hyperactivity prevalent in children diagnosed with ADHD. I have not had her diagnosed professionally as of yet, and I don’t plan to. When she started kindergarten at 5 years old, the excitement of starting school was soon overshadowed by disappointment. As her mother, I knew that Taylor would pose a challenge to her teacher. I’ve always thought of her as a butterfly, flitting from activity to another. She’s very much a busybody, lending her opinion and her “two cents” to any activity taking place around her. She’s often chastised for interrupting conversations, blurting out things at inappropriate times and she’s probably the loudest child I’ve ever known. When she was a baby before she could even talk, she started out singing. If Taylor was in the room, you knew it.Needless to say, kindergarten was not a fun place for her. Shortly after school started, she was getting notes home – at least 3 a week – telling her father and I about how she disrupted class, or would not stay in her seat, or was always concerning herself with what her neighbors in class were doing.We attended several meetings with her teacher and principal about how best to deal with Taylor’s disruptive behavior. While not overtly telling us to medicate her, the teacher and principal subtly suggested that we may want to look into getting her tested for ADHD. Her father and I were staunchly opposed to any form of school-mandated testing and subsequent branding of our child. We decided to look into other methods of dealing with such an energetic and hyperactive child.We decided to approach the situation from an old-school standpoint. The first thing we did was tons of research on the internet on how to deal with children diagnosed with ADHD. We found lots of information on how to reduce her sugar intake and then monitor the results thereafter. We also looked into herbal remedies for children with ADHD. We found several herbs that were all-natural and purported to reduce the energy level of hyperactive children. We found studies that reported dramatic results in children diagnosed with ADHD when they were taking herbs that were essentially fish oil. Studies were done indicating that children diagnosed with ADHD were extremely lacking in the vitamins found in fish. These vitamins can also be found in Super EPA/Omega-3 Formula, a vitamin that we included in Taylor’s diet, and later to all of our diets. These vitamins also improve cardiovascular function and healthy cholesterol metabolism. They contain a balanced blend of the Omega-3 fatty acids: 720mg EPA & 480mg DHA, both naturally found in fish oils. With the combination of these fish oil tablets and the reduction of sugar in Taylor’s diet, we witnessed the most dramatic results.Prior to this new diet, Taylor slept fitfully and usually didn’t go a full night without waking. Subsequent to the fish oil tablets and the reduction of her sugar intake, she started sleeping all night long and even slept longer than usual. The notes from school came less and less. She just seemed more relaxed overall. And, obviously, her self-esteem improved. Now, a year later, she is the best student in class – makes consistent A’s in every subject, and her behavior has improved greatly. Her teacher reports that she has slight problems calling out in class, occasionally. But with nowhere near the frequency that existed before.Her father and I believe that the improvement in Taylor’s behavior is a result of these fish oil tablets and the sugar reduction, in addition to plain old maturity on her part. But we’re really glad that we didn’t consider medicating her. Chances are if we had, she’d still be on Ritalin or Adderall. And she would have been considered a behavior problem, a label that tends to follow a child all through their school years.

EARLY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

2007-01-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

Give us one of your early childhood memories. Make it really visceral, something we can feel. Bring us back to that moment, to the characters, to what they're saying.

It is New Year’s Eve in 1977 and I am ten years old. My father is in the hospital recuperating from knee surgery. I am at home with the rest of my family: my mother, my sisters Karen and Kim, and my brother, Derek. We are joined by our family pets: Ginger, the mutt that we rescued from the pound (best dog we ever had) and our cat Pepper.

This was the best New Year’s Eve ever because my father was not with us. He was in the hospital since the day after Christmas to shortly after New Year’s for knee surgery, a by-product of his work as a painter. This was our opportunity to just be kids - laugh, sing, dance, run around, everything that kids do, especially at a festive time.

Although my mother was exceptionally good at blocking out the harsh reality of our dysfunctional household, the one thing she was unable to do was shield us from the harsh reality of Daddy. My father was the exact opposite of my mother. Where she was loving, open-hearted and nurturing, he was hostile, volatile and demeaning. Talk about opposites attracting.

When my father was around, there was always a sense of foreboding. Every evening, upon his arrival from work, my siblings and I would peer over the banister listening for the tell-tale timbre of his voice that would determine our collective disposition for the evening. If Daddy’s voice was somber and subdued, devoid of the familiar bitter sarcasm he so often possessed, we could infer that he had had a relatively good day at work. The tone of his voice as he greeted my mother was always the barometer by which my siblings and I conducted ourselves on a daily basis. My poor mother was often the sacrificial lamb who unwittingly offered herself up to Daddy, in an effort to gauge his mood before he had an opportunity to unload onto one of her children. If his response to her greeting was demeaning or sarcastic, we scattered off to our rooms like roaches, listening quietly, in the event that his diatribe might graduate to more hostile behavior. Even now as an adult, I am sensitive to the tone of a person’s voice, unconsciously gauging the likelihood of subsequent violence.

On the off chance that he had had a good day and was relatively pleasant, we sensed that it would be acceptable to actually go downstairs and offer an anxious greeting, before disappearing into our rooms. It did not take much to set him off, so if he came home in a good mood, it was in all our best interests to keep him that way. Children who grow up in a household where domestic violence is present are often the very best of children.

This New Year’s Eve, Mommy had given us permission to stay awake until midnight, way past our bedtime. We were looking forward to banging our pots and pans and making lots of noise, to usher in the New Year. This was a huge deal for us – when Daddy was around, we were always discouraged from making too much noise. This was a difficult feat for us children – there were four of us, so it was a given that everything we did was inherently loud.

We made hot chocolate and sang songs, really loud songs. Mommy gave us permission to drag our mattresses down from our bedrooms and “camp out” in the living room. Ginger and Pepper lay on our beds with us, a definite no-no when Daddy was around. Mommy told us stories and we danced and sang happily and had our hot chocolate and snacks.

By 9:45 pm, our eyes were so heavy that we didn’t think we could make it to midnight. Mommy came up with a great idea. So, we banged our pots and pans and yelled “Happy New Year!” – at 10:00 pm.

I haven’t had a better New Year’s Eve since.

2007-01-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

WEEK ONE – ASSIGNMENT #1

Pick 5-10 people that you know in some way and write a paragraph description of each of them. This could be a physical description as well as an anecdote about them, or even a conversation you had with them. Just think of that person and channelthe first paragraph that comes to your head.

Person #1 – My Mother: My mother is a very funny woman. She’s not what you call a very religious person.She just has a basic strong belief in the power of God. But she’s also ridiculouslyhuman at the same time. My mother suffers from crazy road rage. Several times,she’s been known to be driving along in her car, listening to gospel music and singingabout Jesus. And in the same breath, she’ll curse out another driver and give themthe finger. Not the middle finger, though, she uses her index finger. She has a hard time getting that middle finger up so she just substitutes it with the indexfinger. I’m sure the drivers that she’s directing that to probably think it’s hysterical.Person #2 – My Husband:My husband is my best friend. We met on a blind date December 17th, 1989. My sisterKim and her boyfriend Marc introduced him to me because he was Marc’s best friend.The moment he walked into my house on that cold winter evening, a week before Christmas,I knew that I would marry him. On the way to our date when he stopped the car ata red light, jumped out and did a Michael Jackson moonwalk move, I knew then thatI’d marry him. He’s probably the funniest person I know and a very genuine and sweet man, in addition to being a great dad, too.Person #3 – My Daughter, Taylor:Taylor Bianca Jones is my 7-year-old daughter. What can I say about Taylor Jones?First of all, I am SO ecstatic to have a daughter that I can share all the girlythings with! I also have a 12-year-old son and he’s extremely special to me, too.But Taylor is just the perfect person to be able to share those girly things with.She also has a rather off-beat sense of humor and is pretty sarcastic for such alittle girl (just like her mom). One anecdote that I can share about Tay is this.This past Christmas, her dad and I were discussing a family friend who was goingthrough some really dire financial troubles and we had heard that Christmas was going to be a particularly tough one for our friend’s son, Jamie. Well, Taylor overheard our conversation and she was just utterly confused about the whole affairand couldn’t figure out why we were so worried about the possibility of Jamie notgetting very much for Christmas. Taylor says, “I don’t know why everybody’s so worried about Jamie not getting anything for Christmas. I can tell you how to solvethis problem, Mommy.” Now, you have to understand the personality of Taylor Jonesto really get the humor in all this. She is convinced that she can do ALL things.She’s the most self-confident and positive little kid that I know. If you’re havingtrouble opening a jar, she will tell you to give it to her and let her do it. Nevermind the fact that she’s a little mini person who’s probably not as strong as anadult, she’s convinced that she can do anything that she wants to do. If you havea problem, she will talk to you and try to give you advice as though she totallyunderstands and can relate to you and your problem. She’s an amazing and hystericallittle package! Well, back to Taylor’s advice about how to handle the problem with Jamie. Taylorproceeds to advise my husband and I that all Jamie needs to do is “write Santa Clausa note and give it to him and he will get all the toys that he wants.” She feltthat this was a perfect solution to Jamie’s problem and she couldn’t figure out why we grown adults hadn’t thought of it. Person #4 – My Son, Ronnie:My son, Ronnie, is such a great kid. I remember how insecure and inadequate I wasfeeling at the time that he was born. Prior to giving birth to him, I had had dreamsthat just exemplified the angst that I was going through, being a first-time motherand all. I had dreams about being out with him in his little car seat carrier andI’d be at the supermarket. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea toplace his carrier on the ROOF of the car instead of placing the baby INSIDE the car while I put the groceries in the trunk. Then, I’d get in the car and drive off, with him still on the roof! Of course, I’d drive down the road a little andremember that he was on the roof and I’d look in the rearview mirror to see his little seat on the ground in the middle of the highway. I always woke up in a coldsweat after those dreams!So it was obvious that I was definitely going through the new-mom worries prior to his birth and for some time after that. I had a husband and a mom and tons offamily around to help me, but I still felt VERY inadequate and unprepared. I’m a very intuitive person (more so then than now, unfortunately) and I was very muchin tune with both of my kids’ personalities while I carried them in my tummy. Iknew Ronnie would be a very strong-willed and determined little boy. But I alsoknew that I was also going to be a very strong-willed and determined mother. Addto that the fact that I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. So I was more than a little concerned that we would butt heads and I would eventually “screw this kidup” (for lack of a better term). I remember the first time the nurses brought him to me about an hour after he wasborn. They wheeled him into my hospital room from the nursery and we just lookedat each other. He gave me a look that basically said, “Well, here I am. You can’tgive me back because you’re scared and don’t have a clue. So just figure it outand quit your whining.” Every now and then, he gives me that same look. I callhim my “practice kid.”At the time that I was carrying Ronnie, my mom and I used to visit a tarot card reader about twice a year. So we went to see Joanne and she read my unborn baby’scards for me. And she told me what he’d be like, which was, amazingly, exactly what I had expected and what he turned out to be. And of course she gave me someperspective on how to be stern but loving with him.I’m happy to say that Ronnie just turned 12 years old and he’s the best son a mothercould hope for. He’s smart, athletic, goal-oriented and lovable. He’s also a bitof a smart-ass (like his mom) and every now and then I get to see a little of thestrong-willed and determined kid that I knew he’d be.

Writing Assignment - Week One

2007-01-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

Week 1 Assignment – Deb Porter-Jones

Write a 200-word description of a place. You can use any and all sensory descriptions. Describe what it feels like, sounds like, smells like and even tastes like. Try to write the description in such a way that people will feel as if they are in that place with you.

I am at the Coatesville Veterans Administration Hospital Dementia Ward where my 73-year-old father is a patient. I don’t actually visit him as much as I should because of three reasons. The first reason is that the hospital is about an hour and 15-minute ride from my home and the drive is torture.

The second reason is because my father has Alzheimer’s Disease and he usually does not recognize me right away. On the days that I can muster the courage (and relinquish the guilt) enough to pop in for a visit, I always feel this overwhelming sense of dread upon entering the hospital. As I walk down the long, drab vomit-colored hallways to the generic elevators and push three for the Dementia Ward, I make sure to exchange pleasantries with the staff there. I smile widely for them and try my best to call them all by name. I’m told that if a patient’s family is very friendly with the staff, they are less likely to suffer any abuse my when no one’s around. Even though everyone says that my father is their “favorite patient” (which I find hard to believe, because he was no one’s favorite when I was growing up), I figure it can’t hurt to be polite and pleasant to the people who take care of him. It’s actually in my nature to be friendly and speak to those that I pass in my travels. But I just find it interesting that one of the nurses who takes care of my Dad told me that.

I walk through the doors and greet the regulars, (the nurses, the orderlies) most of them I don’t know by name, more by sight. I say hi to Beverly, the lady in the Housekeeping Department who writes my Dad’s name on all of the clothes and shoes that I bring in periodically for him. She’s a really sweet, warm woman with an easy smile who reminds me of my favorite Aunt Bunny and my mother at the same time. When I met her about a year ago, within 15 minutes she had told me her life story and I had told her my Mom and Dad’s. She wanted to know if I was the “designated family member” who cares for the ailing senior. She told me that there’s always only one, even in a large family with relatives and family nearby, only one person takes the time to look out for old Dad or Mom.

I say hi to Mr. Robert Cunningham, another patient there who introduces himself to me every time I come. He tells me his name and then tells me how pretty I am. I’m not creeped out because Mr. Cunningham seems to have a very keen sense of humor for someone on the Dementia Ward. Sometimes he asks me to drop him off at the bar when I’m ready to leave. He has this hysterical way of talking without moving his lips at all.
He would have made a fabulous ventriloquist before he suffered brain damage. Every now and then, I recognize my father’s clothes on Mr. Cunningham, even after Beverly has tagged them. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t just remove my Dad’s clothes from Mr. Cunningham’s back, so I just take care not to buy overly expensive things for him. Besides, I have no way of knowing if my Dad is wearing Mr. Cunningham’s clothes. I wouldn’t want someone to treat my Dad like that.

I say hi to the old guy who’s bent over and wears a helmet. He’s actually very friendly, but that’s hard to tell because he doesn’t seem able to lift his head far enough for you to see his face. He usually takes up residence in front of the big-screen television and you can see him wandering the halls near the lunchroom. My mom and I call him Snoopy because of the helmet. I know that’s probably not a very nice thing to say, but I’m one of those people who finds humor in everything. Gotta laugh to keep from crying.

I walk down the newly-renovated and brightly-painted hallway to my Dad’s room. I always check to see if he’s in there, even though I’m pretty sure he never hangs out there. He’s usually in the TV room or the lunchroom. My dad likes to eat. And he loves TV. When I find him, I give him a big hug and of course, he looks surprised. I take his hand and we walk down the lunchroom.

The lunchroom is normally the busiest place at this time of day. Everyone’s in there having their lunch. Most, if not all, of the patients are incontinent. As a result, the room reeks of urine. I often wonder how the staff can work here and appear not to notice.

It’s lunchtime, so I feed him his lunch. A tuna fish sandwich, potato salad and Jell-O. By the time he’s done eating, he’s fallen asleep with his chin on his napkin. I wake him and he gives me a look like my son Ronnie did when I used to wake him up to finish his bottle when he was a baby. Then Dad starts babbling in that familiar language that only he and I share. It makes no sense to anyone else but I know what he’s saying. I respond as though he’s making absolute sense and his answer to every question that I ask is “Yeah.” He may say the word “car” over and over again, but I know what he means. He’s not really talking about a car. He always asks if I can take him home with me (hence, the talk about a “car”). I smile and wipe his mouth. And I tell him as sweetly as I can (without crying) that he can’t go, he’s doing fine here.

When he finishes his meal and I’m about to leave, I give him a big hug and leave him some orange slice candy. He loves them and proceeds to stuff as many as he can into his mouth. Then he follows me to the doors of the Dementia Ward and just stands there, waiting for the doors to open. Because he’s a patient and wearing a special wristband, the alarms go off and the orderlies come running. He sets his jaw with a conviction that reminds me of the man he used to be. As the orderlies begin to try and gently direct him towards his room, he plants his feet. For a 73-year-old man, he is still rather strong. Some of the skills he learned during his Marine boxing days are evident at times like this. He stares at the red light and the buzzer above the Dementia Ward doors and refuses to be moved. The orderlies and nurses are loudly calling his name and trying to get him to voluntarily move away from the doors.

This scene, right here, is the third reason why I don’t go to see my father more often. It is obvious that his heart breaks when he recalls who I am and realizes that I won’t take him with me. My heart breaks, too.

Hurray!

2007-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Hello, All!

I have finally begun to start down that road to myself. I joined a writing class, one of the first things that I intend to do to connect with myself and what makes ME happy. I will post my first assignment here and anyone who reads, please feel free to comment.

Love and peace!

Deb PJ

Is Christmas here yet???

2006-12-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hello, and Merry Christmas, All!

I apologize for not checking in more often recently. I have been helping out my brother with his Santa Holiday Photos in the mall. It has actually been an equally fun and exhausting little part-time job, but I must admit that I've developed a newfound respect for my little brother and his busy holiday business. Derek has had the contract with Cheltenham Mall for probably about 5 or 6 years now. This is my first time helping out. I was drafted out of necessity, one of his regular workers "no-showed" and I've been helping since that little incident. I've had an opportunity to discover that my brother is very professional, does quality work and definitely knows what he's doing.

He couldn't have been quite so successful at it without the help of his sister-in-law (and mine), Meek. Meek is definitely the one "running thangs." She's the technical support person, manager, and all-around go-to-gal for just about everything that is important in Derek's business. And he knows it.

We had a couple of little mishaps this weekend that made things rather interesting. The digitial camera began to malfunction after Derek accidently jostled it around (didn't actually drop it, though), and after that all the photos began to print out blurry and out of focus. We had to shut down the operation for about an hour while everyone pulled together and helped out to get things going again. Corey dropped everything that he was doing and brought by the digital camera that his mother, Meek, owns. Turned out that wasn't compatible with the equipment that they already had. Meek ended up purchasing another digital camera which actually worked much better than the previous one. It was nice to see family pull together in times of crisis.

Despite the drama, stress and exhaustion, it was a great weekend.

See you soon!

DPJ

Gift Card Warning!!

2006-12-05T07:13:00.000-08:00

Well the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance. If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards you may become a victim of theft. Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much of a balance THEY have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", they then go online and start shopping. You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the Gift Cards viewable to the public.
Please share this with all your family and friends...

Another Day, Another $0.25!

2006-12-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

Hello, All!

I am preparing for bed now (about 10pm), and I thought I'd jot something down here. Had an extremely busy and enjoyable weekend. Ron and I had a date Saturday night, dinner with my brother and his wife, who happens to be my husband's niece. We don't get out very often so that was definitely enjoyable. I started Christmas shopping but had to give up because Taylor was with me. No point trying to convince her that Santa bought her all that stuff when she saw me eyeing it all.

I hate to shop at Christmastime. The stores, malls, crowded parking lots, indecision. It's just too difficult for me these days. I prefer to shop online much more now. Think I'll go try to finish as much for the kids as possible. Then go out for the rest.

Well, I'm very tired right now. See you tomorrow! I promise I'll have much more interesting things to talk about then!

DPJ

Welcome!

2006-11-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

Welcome, All!

Today is the first day of my Blog!

For those of you who don't know (this should be everyone, because I just decided to do this today!), I have a decided to create a blog. This site will contain many things that are near and dear to my heart.

I am an unfulfilled writer who has been working as a paralegal, sales executive, insurance agent, part-time freelance writer (you name it, I've probably done it!) and now I am beginning to pursue the one thing that I've always loved but never thought I could make a living at. This blog will be my opportunity to let out some of my innermost feelings and deepest thoughts. This will also be my opportunity to rant and rave about things that just bug me. Of which there may be many.

You will be given an opportunity to learn about me, my family, my few friends (sorry, I have a low tolerance for petty women) and the things that I care about.

Please bear with me as I get started. As I age, I have not been able to become as technologically savvy as I should be. I'm working on that. And I am truly a "work in progress".

Have a great day!

DPJ